If this is the first week of school and you’ve just dropped your kid off at university

“You mean it doesn’t get any easier?”  she asked, loading storage units, clothes, musical instruments to drop her daughter off as a freshman at college. I was loading my lonely luggage into the car for the long drive back from Boston to Toronto. I knew it was going to be tough and gifted her a copy of my book Contours of Courageous Parenting. “A hug for your heart,” I said.

If you are dropping your child off at university, you’ll know that it is never easy. But it is never as tough as that first year.

This is an email that I wrote to some of my friends the year my youngest flew the nest.

To my fellow Mamas

– if this is the first ‘first week of school’ in years where you are not figuring out school lunches, drop-offs and signing forms, and you are suddenly with time on your hands … I see you

– if you’ve just dropped off your first-born or only child at university, and your home dynamics feel off (even though you still have a dog and a few others kids to get to school) … I understand

– if you’ve just dropped a child at university, and she is the only one who used to empty the dryer, and things are not invisibly getting done as they used to be … I get it

– if you’ve just dropped off your youngest child, washed sheets and are now staring at empty rooms and empty chairs, and a fridge full of food and un-drunk milk … been there

– if you are starting something new and are still feeling like you are treading water … it does get better

To the many women on this email, each of you has been on my ‘to-call’ list for the past week. I did not want to disturb precious family moments during the last weeks of summer. But know that I have been thinking of you.

Some of you are already pros at this transition. Thank you for setting the example and showing the way. Some of us are still figuring this out. Let’s do it together.

For myself, I know this is what I have been working towards for the last ten years: kids who can become independent & confident adults. But it just feels so lonely suddenly without the hustle and bustle.

As each child left a part of the family dynamic left with them. Together we are a symphony (and cacophony!) But when one is missing …

I used to feel betrayed when my mother went quiet when just one of the many of us siblings was away, even for a weekend. After all, how could you miss one when we are half a dozen? Then mine started leaving. And I understood. It is about the whole puzzle, the complete busy picture.

But I also know that it goes by quickly, and I hear they do come home, if even for a short time. And that the jostling, shoving, hampers of clothes and 3 runs of the dishwasher all will happen again — someday. Ahhh. But to be at the start of that journey again.

There will soon be a new normal. But in these few weeks, we deal with transitions and finding that new footing.

To the parents on this email, if you find yourself in that in-between space, and just want a shoulder or just want to wine or whine without judgement … call me. You have already been on my mind.

Karena

If you just said “How did you know?” know you are not alone. Reach out. Call a friend. You will soon find your new rhythm, but meantime it will hurt a little. That’s your heart.

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